Relationship Talk in Time for Valentine´s Day
By Mrs. Freud
Valentine’s Day can arrive with protest: “But it is the day when we show each other our love for one another!” Response: “It is just a commercial event, pushed by the stores to increase sales. It does not mean anything special. I love you every day.”
Does this dialog sound familiar? I certainly hear it in some form or another every year, when Valentine´s Day nears. It always prompts me to wonder where I stand with this day. In the end I agree with both sides. On the one hand, it is good to have special events on our calendars, so they have a place in our lives and don´t get pushed out by the daily grind and its demands and deadlines. It interrupts the numbing routine that life can become without highlights and special events.
On the other hand, imagine the situation someone is in who is faced with high expectations from a partner for an artificially determined day on the calendar. It can be disappointing to that person when the partner does not see the many deeds of love throughout the year. Some are conscious of their love and like to create a Valentine´s Day vibe more often throughout the year. As it is said in the book “The Five Love Languages” (by Gary Chapman), we all express our love in one or more of the five possible ways (words of affirmation, receiving gifts, acts of service, physical touch or quality time), as well as needing to be shown in some of the five ways more than in others. It can get tricky, when a couple has discrepancies in how they show love and need to be shown love.
It could look like this: He likes to be attentive and do things for her that he knows she does not like doing (vacuuming the floors, calling the landlord, buying the heavy cat litter, etc.). He does many things like this on a regular basis and always thinks about how much he loves and appreciates her while doing them.
She might be someone who needs to hear the words of love. However, he hardly ever says he loves her, so she feels neglected and increasingly uncomfortable. Left unattended, this could turn into a real problem or even a threat to the relationship. With the knowledge about the love languages and some conscious attention on their own, or with the help of a professional, both can realize the ways they show and receive love.
He can learn how important it is for her to hear the words. Then he is aware of that it is easy to give her what she yearns for. On the other side, she will understand that all of his little deeds are a sign of love and will be able to appreciate them as such and be uplifted by them. Then she will be able to acknowledge him and make him feel appreciated and loved.
We often show love in the language in which we want to receive it and think it is the same for everyone. It is also easy to return the favor with some little deeds on her part, after finding out what can make him feel loved.
Once the love languages are sorted out, Valentine´s Day can be enjoyed and won´t be a looming pit fall for love disagreements. How about making it a big showing of love without buying stuff? I have been lucky to experience the romantic vibes of a picnic, or a bicycle ride on a double bike. Get creative and have fun with it together. Happy Valentine´s Day!
Author Sabine Starr is a psychologist licensed in Vienna, Austria, currently living and working in Mission Hills. She has written numerous articles for professional psychology journals. For further information, visit www.starrcoaching.com and follow her blog at www.HealthwithTaste.blogspot.com; and a new social media offering is www.facebook.com/StarrCoaching.
Category: Life Style
