What Now? Hack Me Not!

| March 1, 2012 | 0 Comments

No wonder Julian Assange took a talk-show host job. Given that hacking’s not what it used to be, the master’s career was probably in serious decline. If he weren’t booted out of the game by the authorities, by now his gig’s pretty far gone, anyway, taken over by … the times.

By which I mean, a matter of minutes.

There’s just diminished need for hacking any more; Facebook, Twitter or your own favorite site, exposes our every thought (“I had orange juice with breakfast!”) rendering obsolete the formerly serious problem of hacking.

Yes, you may now know everything in the world there is to know. Whether you want to know it or not. I, however, could live without that inside look at Ahna Tessler nursing her newborn twins. That’s what the website “Funny or Die,” thought, too, when they initially took it down.  “Spam,” they thought, “sillily.” Never mind: after high and low level discussions, it’s up for our viewing pleasure.

And young Charlie’s dad, of the U-Tube video, “Charlie Bit My Finger” – must have forgotten this incredible communications power:  he’s still harrumphing over the 417. 6 million-plus who’ve seen his 56-second film – way, way past what he “intended” :  to share it with only one good friend. The experience should inspire him to keep his hands in his pockets.

I, myself, have decided to accelerate the demise of hacking, so to offset your deep concern, herewith fascinating secrets about me – ones you’ve  really longed to know:

– My white streak’s the real part.  (I don’t mind telling you this, as I realize it’s a subject of deep public curiousity. It alone can be the target of hacking.) 

– I recycle. (Everything. Somebody – and often I, too – want it.)

– I never use recipes.  (As far as I know, I haven’t poisoned anyone, yet.)

-I wash all my laundry in cold water. (I’m not exactly digging ditches, y’know?)

– I invent some of the information in my columns.  (Some website or another will let me know when I get it wrong.)

– I play my flute a lot, but I hardly ever “practice.”  (OK, maybe it shows.)

– I’m a techno-moron (the key value of hangin’ with Bob Walcher, the techno-genius)

-I’ve failed to “get” Facebook and other really important social media sites (If, in fact, you actually find me there, refer to previous item.)

– I have a secret shrink. (Hard to think of anything else when you’re swimming laps.)

– I shop only sales or use coupons. (Hey, frugal’s not the same as cheap.)

Any day now, I’d be willing to bet that Mr. Murdoch and his army of hackers, rather than pay fines or go to jail, will be merely considered ho-hum meddlers, newly informed of any enemy’s activities by just being “friended” on Facebook.

Today, the entire FBI file on Steve Jobs is “up” for our reading pleasure; the FBI released it themselves, probably depriving Julian A. of yet another satisfying challenge.

But for society’s sake, there’s undoubtedly even more about Steve we must know, and we might need the last-standing hackers to find it.

But I, at least, am safe. You now know everything there is to tell about me, so please, Hack Me Not.


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